Sometimes You're Just Fine

My mom passed away about 23 years ago. We were very close and it was devastating to me. Mainly because she chose to end her own life. I was angry and confused. I had just become engaged and I was moving across the country. I felt so much guilt; am I leaving her behind and she can’t stand it? Is she so jealous of me that she couldn’t bear to let me go? All kinds of things ran through my head. It took years before I could just let it go, stop being mad, and realize that it was her choice. I didn’t have anything to do with it. But I kind of expected that I would hear from her at some point. I haven’t been able to feel her. It’s been years and every time I would get a mediumship reading, I would ask her to come forward. She never did. Until yesterday.

I was a volunteer to sit and let three student mediums practice on me. I love doing these because I was once in their shoes and I know how scary it is. The first was ok. The second was better but the third was really good. Instead of telling me “I see a mailbox with flowers on it.” Then stopping. “I feel like you love dogs.” Then  stopping. He told me a story.

He started by saying he had an older woman and he felt like he had a heavy chest. He felt like she couldn’t breathe – that she CHOSE to take her last breath. He didn’t know the context, he thought maybe she took off her oxygen mask or something – that’s ego coming in to try to make sense of the information you are getting. But YES, she did choose to take her last breath, just not the way you think.  He then said that she has always been around me, but she never felt she had to make herself known because I’m doing just fine. There is no reason for her to intervene or get involved because she taught me well.

Interesting. Not exactly what I expected. She’s letting me learn my own lessons and not saving me every second. Kind of like she was when I was a kid. The only exception to this was when my sister died a few years ago. They were estranged but I knew our mom was there in her hospital room petting her hair and waiting for her. I felt that but it wasn’t about me. I feel like I got the answer I was looking for all these years. I’m just fine.